NOW FEATURING:

CELEBRATION EUROPE was the latest salvo in the efforts of the Star Wars empire to conquer the world. Get down in the trenches with a first-hand report of the show from a member of the staff. C'mon, you know you want to find out what Billy Dee is reeeally like.

According to Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale, THE CHALLENGERS OF THE UNKNOWN MUST DIE! That seems a bit harsh to us, but really, who are we to argue? Anyway, here's a review of the first collaboration between the superstar writer/artist duo.

What do Dan Didio, Alan Moore, Joe Quesada, Georg Brewer, and Alex Ross all have in common? They're all targets of Season 2 of DIRTY DOOSHBAG THEATER. Be warned, it's not safe for work... heck, it's not safe for ANYWHERE!


CriticalMess - What's it all about?

“So really,” you may ask, “Why does the internet need another website devoted to the ephemera of pop culture and all that it might entail?” We say “Why the heck not?” I mean think about it, isn’t hurling our underdeveloped opinions and overdeveloped egos into the cyber-ether the whole point of this internet thing anyway? Well, besides the porno. You can’t forget the porno.

Honestly, though, we do think we have a little something of worth to contribute to the digital corpus of fan-wankery that the ‘net has become. In a sea of “OMG”s and “u r teh r0xx0rz,” we believe ourselves to be an island of properly medicated sanity… or at least a place where people will actually spell out words like “you” and “are.” That’s worth something, isn’t it?

Hence the founding of Criticalmess.net: a planned community. We’re not looking to usurp anyone; honestly, we’re not into that jive. The internet is a big place and we just want to take this little patch of it that no one’s using and call it our own. We want our own damn soapbox to stand on and hawk our tawdry wares. We want to talk about this crap, and we want to find others who like to do the same. Maybe our opinions won’t match up with yours and you’ll feel like we don’t know what the hell we’re talking about. Fan-fucking-tastic. Tell us, please! But make sure you tell us why. “U suck and your stupid!!!1” isn’t going to cut it. Nevertheless, we want you share your opinions with us because we care. A bit. Kinda.

See, we don’t want to tell you what you should think. We’re not insiders and have no illusions of being so. We buy our toys and comics and games and DVDs and everything else off the shelf/rack/’net/whatever just like most everyone else. We may have our own personal biases, but we can do this without an agenda. As such, we encourage you, gentle reader, to participate, because we’re all looking at this stuff from the same angle.

See a new movie you hated? Tell us in a review, and maybe help some other poor bastard save a few bucks?

Build a home theater that can melt a person’s teeth with the volume only halfway up? Boss! Write it up, maybe take a few pictures and show that bad boy off!

Did the latest hot TV scriptwriter take over your favorite comic book and turn it all to shit? Well, tell us why it’s shit, and what would have made you happy as a fan.

Did you buy an action figure that was sculpted by a blind chimp with no hands? Well get yer bitch on with a scathing diatribe and give those scalawags what for!

Did DC Direct give Batgirl blue-green eyes instead of green-blue eyes? Shut the fuck up. You make the rest of us look bad.

In short, what sets us apart from the endless hordes of faceless fanboys of the World Wide Web is the fact that, rather than just saying “this sucks” or “I like it,” we’re going to tell you why. Hopefully, we’ll be able to entertain you a bit while we do it, too. We’re willing to discuss and interact with honesty and fairness. Sometimes we’ll be harsh, but that’s because we, for whatever strange reason, actually care about this shit. We aren’t sugar-coating reviews or cut-’n’-pasting press releases in place of honest opinions. We’re not worried about pissing anyone off because no one knows who the hell we are anyway.

Except you, gentle reader. We know you love us. A bit. Kinda.